I must admit I've struggled with this concept. Constantly seeking external validation felt effortless. The need to be liked outweighed even liking myself.
In his book, "Deeper Dating," psychotherapist Ken Page states, "The places where we feel most broken often don't need to be fixed. What they need is to be heard."
He goes on further to say,
"Take a guess: Which quality do people rate as the most desirable in a mate, across cultures, ages, and genders? It is not success. It is not attractiveness. It is not wittiness. The evolutionary psychologist David Buss conducted an extensive study of the traits people rate as a most important in finding a mate, and his finding was clear. Number one is kindness and understanding. It is not that looks don't matter - they do. But their role in finding lasting, healthy love has been vastly overemphasized. In fact, research strongly suggests that people who are extremely attractive are no more likely to find lasting love than people who are of average attractiveness. Why has no one told us this?
This is powerful news. It means the more we learn the skills of authentic intimacy, the more desirable we become. It means those extra pounds might not matter as much as your open heart. That simply showing more warmth and interest on your next date might pay off better than all those extra hours spent in pursuit of six-pack abs. It’s not surprising that kindness is also the key to making your next relationship flourish."
Is it really that easy? I don't know, but I'm willing to try. When resourcing my "three brains" head 🧠, heart 💓, and gut 🤰, a song from the mid 1980's immediately springs to mind. It may not lead me to the answer, but it's definitely a step closer.
♬ I've been takin' on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinkin' about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion? ♬
💿 Tina Turner / What's Love Got to Do with It
Every Monday morning at 10 AM EST I will post a powerful prompt which can also be synced to your smartphone calendar here and follow it wherever it leads. The aim is to resource all "three brains" — head 🧠, heart 💓, and gut 🤰 — in hopes of connecting the dots to those sticky parts in our nature that matter.